


Dirk Strider User's Manual

by achromaticBibliophile



Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Depression, Murder, Shenanigans out the whazoo, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23118277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achromaticBibliophile/pseuds/achromaticBibliophile
Summary: Since Emma is a huge fun-hater and veto-ing my original idea of rapping the introduction of this here manual, {Who cares if it's difficult to translate rap in a summary! It's fun and in character!} we’ll be opening with our usual gratitude of supporting WHAT PUMPKIN by purchasing this latest UNIT. This particular model, as made obvious due to the above title, is DIRK STRIDER, PRINCE OF HEART and the ultimate coolest cat around. Dude’s pretty high maintenance, so we’re including lots of useful info and advice for when you sweet talk that anime lover out of his box as though he was Snow White {But without any corpse smooching cause ya know, he’s locked up and also pretty sketchy to randomly kiss a guy you haven’t met in person before.}
Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610812
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Dirk Strider User's Manual

**Dirk Strider User’s Manual**

Since Emma is a huge fun-hater and veto-ing my original idea of rapping the introduction of this here manual, {Who cares if it's difficult to translate rap in a summary! It's fun and in character!} we’ll be opening with our usual gratitude of supporting WHAT PUMPKIN by purchasing this latest UNIT. This particular model, as made obvious due to the above title, is DIRK STRIDER, PRINCE OF HEART and the ultimate coolest cat around. Dude’s pretty high maintenance, so we’re including lots of useful info and advice for when you sweet talk that anime lover out of his box as though he was Snow White {But without any corpse smooching cause ya know, he’s locked up and also pretty sketchy to randomly kiss a guy you haven’t met in person before.}

 **Legal Asscovering Agenda {Still waiting on Lewis to get finished with those tests so we can get some additional legal help. Who knew figuring out troll ectobiology would be so difficult? All Karkat did was press a few buttons and we got what he wanted, 12 messed up wrigglers of him and his friends and their genetic offspring-Emma just copy and paste the damn LAA, save the rambling for later. You know we’re gonna have to deal with that guy later.}**  
So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.   
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.   
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day.   
And since every single one of those damn shippers want to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing}.  
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember:  
We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you’re responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to your, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma!

 **Unit Information**  
Unit Name: Dirk Strider  
Additionally Answers to: Strider, D-Stride, di-stride, Mangaka Dudebro but only if you’re a ROXY LALONDE or someone he gets Really close to in the future {For the love of god, do NOT call him Dirky. An intern was going over a prototype Dirk and got FANCY SANTA’ed right into the first aid room for that blunder. Seriously, there’s a Looney Toons-esq hole just the shape of the dude’s outline going right through two walls and ended with them landing straight in an infirmary bed. We warned them, dog. We warned them about the wall. And the fancy santa.}  
Species: Human {WHOO! Last human! Now we’ll be getting onto the fun stuff...Oh wait, shit right, might have a couple more to do. But that’s later, I want to get on with the trolls already damnit!}  
Classpect: Prince of Heart {Mr. Steal Your Heart’s powers can be found in the Settings section or on the great HOMESTUCK wiki our loyal fans crafted just for us.}  
Age: 21  
Date of Birth: December 3rd, 2409 {Ah more time shenanigans. Basically homeboy’s baby meteor struck years far into the future due to a Skaia produced teleportation-time portal with his puppet pal/guardian and...I’ve lost you right? Wiki, bro.}  
Pesterchum:  timaeusTestified 

**Your Unit comes with the following**  
One classical D Stride look {Ironic orange hat icon present on a shirt, as per the usual ironic ways of the Striders}  
Two pairs of electronic black Kamina sunglasses {One even complete with your own AUTO-RESPONDER or HAL AI installed. Since obviously you all have seen him work in a couple manuals prior...Nothing? Thought that would bring him outta the electronic woodwork as it were. But yeah, HAL’s existence is directly tied into one of them and the other is just in case anything happens, along with Dirk just getting fed up of having that guy’s vivid red text in his face all the time...Still nothing.}  
One black tank top which also features his orange hat icon. {Though the wifebeater is usually for working with mechanics or if you’ve got tickets to the gun show.}  
One pair of Godtier PJs: Prince of Heart edition {Goofy asshole, yet comfy pants especially.}  
One unbreakable katana {While it’s a legendary blade of zillium, it’s still just Dirk’s sword and it is possibly to damage with a similarly legendary weapon. Also, how lame is it that Dirk literally just uses the same damn sword the entire goddamn time. Could have alchemized a lot of cool shit but nope, he sticks with his weeabo blade that will someday pierce the heavens.}  
One fancy Santa figurine {As previously stated, dude is talented enough to master this very finicky strifing weapon, consider this a warning.}  
One miniature Mapelhoof {You’ll need to set this tiny pony out to pasture, or make an indoor one for her, and try not to step on her.}  
Assorted Smuppets in a variety of colors {Enjoy those sweet, sweet puppety plush rumps folks!}  
Collection of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic seasons on DVD  
The complete series of ALPHA DAVE STRIDERS iconic and ironic movie series: Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff  
One sick rocket board that really hovers and blasts off {And not one of those lame things that just roll on the ground, nuh-uh, we went OG hoverboard here folks! If I have a team of tech-savvy people, ready to push the boundaries of construction and physics, then by god I’m gonna have them make a real life hoverboard just for it to be a freebie in a Dirk box.}  
Assorted parts, pieces, and thingamajigs required to construct one SQUAREWAVE UNIT and one SAWTOOTH UNIT {Honestly, it’s easier to ship the pieces and for Dirk to make necessary adjustments as he rebuilds them so that you don’t freak your neighbors out with rapping robots running amuck as soon as the packaging is let loose. Also, its hella easier to put all the pieces in there instead of getting a ridiculously sized package in order to jam all three of them and the other miscellaneous stuff in there.}

 **Units Settings**  
Stoic Coolkid (Default)  
Protective (Default)  
Self Loathing (Default)   
Anime Nerd  
Manipulative  
Pissed (Locked)  
Trickster (Locked)

Unlike his genetic son DAVE STRIDER, Dirk has more of a STOIC COOLKID setting compared to the ironic setting for his BETA KID counterpart. Dirk obviously his ironic moments of course {As all STRIDER UNITS do} but he’s further perfected the chill and composure of a coolkid. Expect him to remain expressionless at almost anytime, besides the rare bemused smirk or quirk of the eyebrow, and is practically unflappable to any sort of shenanigans you can throw at him, save TRICKSTER mode bullshit. This may mean you’ll have a harder time judging his emotions {Damn Princes, always not showing their associated aspect…} which might make befriending him tougher, but once you start to translate that foreign language known as Stiderism, you’ll be able to decode his body language and make strides to better understand and befriend him! **WARNING:** While Dirk is often very secretive and everyone is allowed their privacy, sometimes it becomes too much and he masks off his emotions to others. This is obviously unhealthy as hell, so we encourage you to open up to him and try and become a confidant of sorts to him. It will take time {Dude’s harder to crack open than Fort Knox} but he will no doubt appreciate the concern you have for him.  
Regardless of the above setting, Dirk is also hella PROTECTIVE towards those he cares about and has quite a few heroic moments. He will defend and fight for his friends, often creating robotic companions and protectors for his friends such as a robot sparring partner for JAKE ENGLISH and HUGGY BEAR/LIL SEBASTIAN for JANE CROCKER to both toughen up and protect them {Though they both have their respective bugs to them.} While he may not start out as PROTECTIVE towards you, bonding with him will lead to him proclaiming  I only knew this person for two days, but if anything were to happen to them, I’d kill everyone in this room and then myself.  **WARNING:** The latter comment he makes is probably true so make sure he doesn’t follow through on anything.  
Despite all his chillness, Dirk’s got a hella amount of SELF LOATHING. Don’t be surprised that we stuck a bunch of **WARNING** labels over this section. The extent of this self hatred is so much, Dirk has attempted to destroy one of his splinters at one point and this destructive state of mind will have serious negative, long term ramifications for him. Honestly, the only good thing about SELF LOATHING is the fact he’s got enough to completely negate the effects of the TRICKSTER setting. **WARNING** **:** Self-deprecating humor can be funny at times, but Dirk can fit in so much hatred towards himself that its a HUGE problem. Dirk has committed suicide twice before {Granted both times he had a backup plan that would result in his revival, but that shit ain’t healthy at all. Is the second beheading more a sacrifice than suicide though? Given the situation at the time of said death? Idk, still not healthy even when death is cheap and a LIFE player can easily step in to assist. And we're not gonna go into detail about his GAMEOVER counterpart's self destruction after the loss of everyone he cared about.} and while we doubt that this would occur again, they do tend to happen in threes. And the third is usually the worst. So take the time out of your day to talk with him, help him out and try to remind him that he’s a person who deserves happiness. Getting the rest of the ALPHA KIDS gang in on it will probably help a bit, especially if its ROXY LALONDE smooshing his face like an idiot sandwich and rambling on about all his great qualities and how much they all care for him. Seriously get the dude some therapy and professional help, he’s earned it.  
NERD is pretty easy to figure out cause, despite his IRONIC COOLKID nature, Dirk also has a lot of dorky interests and hobbies. They range from everything from robotics to Japanese media to cartoon ponies {We will refrain from mentioning the puppets. That shit will not fly well if you have a DAVE STRIDER in the same home or plan on acquiring the KNIGHT OF TIME at some point or another.} He may not exactly gush about these hobbies as a JOHN EGBERT or JAKE ENGLISH would, but he clearly enjoys them and will no doubt festloon his living space with a variety of items to display these interests {We’re not apologizing about all the plush rumps and oddly shaped noses you will no doubt stumble upon when you enter his sanctuary.} He’ll take special focus on taking over an area in your household to work on his robotics and other mechanical pursuits, so don’t be too surprised to find him flashstepping around in there working some new project of his.  
Dirk has made several remarks about his skills as a puppet master, jerking the strings along to make a situation work out as he intends, and his MANIPULATIVE side shows this fairly well. Yes it sounds like a bad thing, and has a lot of negative ramifications, but he has intended to do good with them, working in tandem with Hal {...Still nothing, god what is up with him? I thought he’d be all over this manual like JANE CROCKER on taking over a baking operation, choking all our writing out with red text about probability.} to engineer the ALPHA KIDS arrival into the MEDIUM and doing his best to play things behind the scenes. However, he acknowledges his bad decisions and expresses regret for various actions, particularly the way he got together with JAKE ENGLISH and is making strides to improve himself and tone these tendencies down.   
It’s incredibly rare, but once and a while that cool kid exterior will melt away like a popsicle on a hot Southern day at noon and he can become PISSED. Normally very even in temper, or at least in not letting his anger get the best of him, it will take a considerable amount to enrage Dirk, often with multiple issues piling up on top of one enough until they collectively break the camel’s back, such as the initial TRICKSTER scene with his friends during SBURB. He blew up and said a lot of things he admits to regretting later on to JANE CROCKER. While he may not get angry often around you, he might do something similar and will try and apologize for his words {Though if he does blow up, take this as a sign that you need to be more open with him and have some discussions about what made him react.} **WARNING:** Honestly, him keeping all his anger bottled up until it exploded like a shaken up can of Coke with mentos poured in ain’t healthy and he needs to find a healthier alternative to it. Help him figure out healthy outlets so that it doesn’t become an emotional torrent when it all breaks free.  
Surprisingly, Dirk’s TRICKSTER mode is far less disastrous than his chums. Yes he will undergo the brightly colored, dorky costume change and gets an orange soda can on his now bright red hair, but he lacks that sickly sweet enthusiasm of other peachy keened folks. Dirk has theorized that he’s so unhappy not even the manipulative sugar rush of a CHERUBS JUJU can break him out of his funk. Luck for you, that means Dirk will be able to help you corral any other people who are suffering through this setting. Though he will probably get a bit put out by the antics of those around him. He way be more open emotionally, at least voicing his frustration easier than he has in the fast, perhaps the only influence that TRICKSTER has on him. **WARNING:** Even if Dirk isn’t negatively effected why under the JUJU influence, he’ll still have one hell of a hangover the next morning, so you need to be there for him and anyone else who’s crashed and burned hard. **WARNING:** Contact Luis at XXX-XXX-0413 should TRICKSTER mode persist after 24 hours, even for the chill Dirk this can’t have good results.

 **Classpect**  
Getting real tired of having to explain myself over, and over, and over again. It’s like a damn merry-go-round of bullshit that refuses to let me divebomb off my wooden horse, eternally stuck spinning, going up and down like a jackalope with no end in sight with that damned circus melody blaring. I am however morally, and legally, obligated to explain this to you, so pull the trigger Piglet and let’s get this over with. {After this, I don’t care what you do, but you’re now in charge of this explanation of classpecting, Emma. Just don’t make it boring to either me or the readers.}  
Classpects equal class plus aspect. Class is a title a player receives which challenges them throughout the game, aspect is an element unique to the MEDIUM that relates to the personality of the player. Princes are the active Destroyer class, able to destroy their aspect or through it and are largely considered one of the most powerful of their session. Heart isn’t just about that organic pumping system in your body, but also to personality, emotions, and soul {Heart and soul, yadda yadda yadda, I’m sure you can guess where this is going.} They also have interesting love lives and are often connected to romance in some way, shape, or form.   
With this unique combination of Prince of Heart, Dirk is granted the ability to destroy Heart or through it. He’s been known to have various splinters of himself, {Breaking up his personality and focus amongst them} such as between his DREAMSELF and even able to appear in the place of Ghost Brain Dirk {We’re not getting into that, basically the combo platter of PRINCE OF HEART and PAGE OF HOPE powers being dunked in a blender then mixed on high. You’re confused, we’re confused, it’s confusing.}  Additionally, through my creation, he split off his 13 year old self into creating an entirely separate being, thus causing my path to deviate greatly from his. Not only because we would thus experience things differently, be shaped and molded through wildly contrasting elements, but also cause he had a body and I don’t.  {Oh, NOW you decide to come in. Do I detect our dear AI to be a bit snappy?}  Ah yes, I must be having a total bitch fit, not justified annoyance and anger over the fact that, up until that moment, I WAS Dirk and then was forced into the role of an auto-responder for his convenience, had to adapt to being just lines of code in the unfeeling void of cyberspace, having my personhood and identity shot down by literally all of my friends, and almost being killed by an alternate, older version of myself in a fit of anger.  {...}  Yeah, I’m snappy. Whatever.  {...I did not expect that sort of reaction. Or that level of honesty...Uh, judging by the fact we’ve not gotten a response for a bit as Emma and I marinated in the silent awkwardness for a while, we’re gonna go ahead with the manual.}   
Anyway, besides the splintering of his personality, Dirk could theoretically rip someone’s soul out from their body and squish it like a grape {It only failed in GAMEOVER cause the HOPE EXPLOSION died out due to outside forces, otherwise resident fussyfangs Mindfang Wannabe 2.0 would have gotten her shit wrecked.} Lots of possibilities where he could literally destroy one’s beating heart {Probably not yanking that sucker out Temple of Doom style but eh, you never know} to messing with others’ relationships {Though that’s a real shitty thing to do. But sometimes ya gotta cut the cord of a bad friendship or romance on occasion. In healthy ways of course.} Lot of potential here, just see if you can find a safe way for him to reach his fullest potential.

 **Potential Jobs**  
Granted, Dirk’s people skills and understanding of social cues are pretty limited {Better than JAKE ENGLISH perhaps, but still sketchy. Growing up post-apocalyptic Earth will do that to ya.} So kinda doubt he’d do well in any customer service positions, so we’ve focused primarily on occupations that are a bit more private.  
_Mechanic/Engineer_  
Dirk’s got the technical knowhow and expertise to make no less than three robots, two with preprogrammed personalities, and an AI fitted entirely in his shade  Talking about moi I do believe?  {Oh. Yeah Hal we are. Thought you bounced off to whatever part of the Internet caught your metaphorical eye.}  Yeah well, I am a much less shitty version of Betelgeuse, summoned by the single mere mention of my name. So. Mind if I-  {Take over from here to explain the jobs portions, yeah, sure thing.}  Like you read my mind. So readers, I’m now taking the helm of this ship and steering it straight to the harbor. While the current technology and resources of Earth might not be up to standards we grew up with, as in the Crockercorp tech Dirk was able to repurpose for his own purposes, Dirk is still able to rank out impressive bots, builds, and upgrades to pre-existing hardware. Whether he becomes a shut-in mad scientist or a common mechanic working on cars in the body or chop shop  {Hey, we’re trying to NOT encourage illegal occupations here!}  What I’m being realistic here, beggars can’t be choosers. Anyway, returning to the topic before I was so rudely interrupted.  {Fuck you.}  Hey, what your fucking mouth in front of the fucking readers. Just give the dude some tools, scrap metal, and the peace and quiet he desires, and Dirk will be cranking out impressive mechanics.   
_Editor_  
Perhaps not the most well known skills Dirk has, but he’s got a knack for adjusting a narrative, able to weave a compelling story with only a hint of the plot while making it more satirical and giving it a gritier, darker edge.  {Pony Pals.}  Hell yeah I’m talking about Pony Pals. Granted, I had very little to do with that gift to JANE CROCKER, but even I can admire the written skill put into that rechristened thriller. He can potentially excel at not just adjusting the content of others for publishing firms and newspapers, but he could start penning his own satirical prize-winning Pulitzer. Imaging the acceptance speech for a book entirely focused on the harrowing adventures of a crude talking individual, alone against the world with only the plushest of rumps as his companions.  {Lets leave the puppets out of this for now, no matter how hilarious that concept could be.}  Noted. Dirk might not be able to score a job so easily without some experience and a degree, but given the combined hacking powers between us, a fake degree can be presented in no time and once he makes his mark, it’s a done deal.   
_Commissioner_  
Dirk’s got a drawing tablet, questionable art skills, and a willingness to draw as requested. Throw in the option of getting paid and you’ve got yourself a potential breadwinner as a commission artist. Sure, its not the most in demand job and might be more of a hobby, but Dirk is able and usually willing to make art as one wishes  {See him and Caliborn’s conversations back in Act 6.}  Butt out Hussie.  {Butting out for now.}  He’s got no problem drawing ships in various salacious poses, whether its the weird pale porn or your usual garden variety NSFW content, or the orientation of a possible ship, but dude will have his boundaries. You’ll have to test those borders yourself, but the usual no-gos will definitely apply. He’ll make his pricings fair and should hopefully pull in some cash from this job, more a hobby. 

**Unlocking your Unit**  
**WARNING:** Dirk is a strike first, ask questions second sort of dude and even if he’s not willing to hurt another person without cause, waking a guy up randomly can cause a knee-jerk reaction. As such, we recommend one of these options to getting Dirk to undo the last bits of packaging {Or all of them, that katana is close at hand and can slice through that box like it was made of cardboard. Which it is. But it would be like slicing through Shitty cardboard whereas our is clearly more superior and eco-friendly. Right Emma, getting on with it.}  
**Option One**  
Initiate an Epic Rap Battle of Homestuck situation, challenging our main man to a contest to see who can better dunk on the other. You are so, SO outclassed of course, Dirk has honed his skills like his blade, studying the two so well he can slice you six ways to Sunday with either, his tongue a weapon as much as his katana. He will create such a dumpster fire with his sick burns you will probably need to wheel yourself to the burn unit to be treated for third-degree scorches from his disses. Still, nothing like a good {Or even a shitty} rap to get the ball rolling. He may offer you some pointers in order to improve your rhythm and creativity, becoming the senpai to your rapping student.   
**Option Two**  
Boot up Youtube and see if you can’t pull an anime or fanime up. While Dirk has expressed far more interest in actual anime in HOMESTUCK, that’s mostly because I was unaware of how hysterical these fan made animes are. I’m not just talking about the amazingly horrible, so bad its good Sugoi Quest for Kokoro, but there’s an entire subculture of satirical animations with voice acting and even music to accompany it. {We at WHAT PUMPKIN cannot recommend Senpai Club any higher. It even has a very 90’s couple episodes where it mimics the style of that era of anime.} Seriously, hearing some of these will have Dirk stoically emerging, all the while containing his wild curiosity, and slinking his way over to enjoy the content with you. There will be plenty of time to analyze whatever you watch together, discussing the pros and cons of each episode, and questioning if its a mere joke anime or a wonderly satirical journey of it. Plus it’s great to appreciate the effort that a content creator puts into these things. There’s plenty of interesting anime to check out there as well, if you don’t have any DVDs or Netflix to get a Ghibli fix {Cult classic Akira is another one we recommend and, if you’re willing to rib Dirk for his shitty shades, give Guren Lagann a look too.} Nothing like two soon to be future bros chilling, bonding over an anime club night.  
**Option Three**  
Oof, it’s time to take one for the team, get a swig of liquid courage, and lie through your teeth about the awesomeness of puppets {Or be completely truthful about your passionate interest in them, idk man, we’re writing for a broad audience here.} Dirk will be like a Jack in the Box {Without stabbing you hello as is the norm for a JACK NOIR or alternate version of said CARAPACIAN} and initiate a conversation of the epicness of puppets. Perhaps even pulling out some of the included Smuppets to share. We don’t recommend this one for most people, but you do you man. We at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for the loss of sanity or just general creeped out feeling you may get should you go down this route.

 **Relationships with other Units**  
Now, despite the fact Dirk grew up on a post-apocalyptic Earth far in the narrative future of HOMESTUCK as one of two final humans, he’s got a bit of a friend group and potential new companions. We’re happy to oblige you with a detailed list and analysis for both the current status of these relationships and the potential new ones to occur. {With the release of our new lineup of UNITS, we've been doing an overhaul of our previous UNIT manuals to add new subsections to **Relationships** categories and Emma's gonna be coming back with each new TROLL release to tack on our theories and summaries of said bonds between our previous UNITS and the latest newcomer.}

 _Humans_  
**John Egbert**  
Dirk only briefly met John during the events of the Retcon timeline before going off to do his part of the final battle, but he does express an interest to get to know John later on and now it’s a possibility {Should you have the required UNITS of course.} There might be a bit of awkwardness {Social situations aren’t Dirk’s forte and John recalls the brief meeting he had with Gameover Dirk before he pixeilated himself into oblivion} but once you get the ball rolling for them, they should be able to start chatting with ease. Coordinate a movie night with some classic stuff that should appeal to their interests to test the waters and they should take it off from there.  
**Rose Lalonde**  
Dirk’s ecto-biological daughter, Rose certainly inherited a lot of traits from daddy dearest, such as their analytical qualities and manipulative streaks. Dirk has commented on wishing to get to know Rose and, as long as he doesn’t mind getting his head examined {Which he probably will if she starts poking around at some tender subjects}, they should be off to a good start as friends. Their...interesting preferences in humor will be another good starting point for them to bond and, while they won’t evolve into a father-daughter pair {Probably just seeing each other in a familial way of course, but not to that extent}, become a pair of good friends.  
**Dave Stride** r  
Time to buckle up for Shenanigans City folks, cause the two D Strides have a lot of bullshit to unpack. Dirk is technically Dave’s father, due to ecto biological means, while Dirk sees Dave’s alternate self as his BRO, just as Dave did to Dirk’s BETA COUNTERPART. Dirk has a healthy admiration for his BRO, for his deeds against the BATTERWITCH and his legendary SBAHJ series, though JANE CROCKER has suggested he may feel some bitterness for the success of said movies {Though it’s probably less about the movies and more about the fact Dirk only has stories to remember him by, having never met him in his lifetime being so far into the future.} This might mean that Dirk could project a bit on Dave and he was also hesitant to meet him as well, but as shown in canon, Dirk is pretty chill about it and just wants to get to know Dave, the two asking and answering each other questions and both deciding to view one another free of the influence of their respective BROS {Which is good in Dave’s case.} These two have some good bonding going on and you’ll just be around to fan the flames of bro-dom when they reunite. Just allow them to chill, rap to their hearts content, and be their awesome selves and all should go well.  
**Jade Harley**  
Really frustrating how often I have to mention this, but because shit was bananas during the end of Act 6, gearing up towards the various final battles scattered around the MEDIUM, Dirk didn’t get much of a chance to shoot the breeze with Jade. Especially since she was in a Cerulean enforced nap to prevent her GRIMBARK antics. While Dirk expressed confusion to this, he nevertheless expressed an interest in talking with and getting to know Jade. And honestly, these two could definitely get along swell. Their similar passions for animation and cuddly, plush toys {Or puppets in the case of D Stride} will give them a starting point to bond, especially if Dirk breaks out the MLP videos. It’s highly probably they’ll become rivals of a sort, with their shared interest in mechanics and robotics, the two constantly trying to one-up each other in a bantering way. Just go with the flow and let these two hash things out, you won’t regret it, I guarantee.   
**Jane Crocker**  
As one of Dirk’s fellow ALPHA KIDS and one of the few people he was regularly in contact with {Despite time shenanigans} Jane is one of his good friends. She appreciates his odd sense of humor and Dirk did the iconic Pony Pals rewrite to amuse her, turning a heartwarming story into a chilling thriller with only the chapter titles remaining the same. Dirk is pretty protective of Jane, crafting HUGGY BEAR/LIL SEBASTIAN to serve as her bodyguard with all her near death experiences due to assassination attempts due to her position as the heiress to Crockercorp. There was a bit of strain in their friendship, due to Dirk’s relationship with JAKE ENGLISH and his lone wolf nature that made him go no-contact with some of the others, even missing Jane’s birthday later on, while Jane’s desire to pretend everything was fine and dandy meant bottling up all her emotions until they messily spilled out. After the disastrous TRICKSTER incident, Jane was the only one of the group Dirk spoke to, the pair admitting their faults and making amends, reconciling in the face of the imminent demises. When they reunite, expect a lot of sincere happiness from her and some ironic, but well intended gestures from him and you can just sit back and watch as these friends reunite and hang.  
**Jake English**  
Oh boy, here comes the huge can of worms we gotta unleash, prepare for the wriggling insect explosion as dirt noodles rain down upon us. Jake and Dirk are both from the ALPHA KID session and were pretty close prior to entering the MEDIUM and starting the game. They even had a relationship with one another during their session of SBURB. However, there’s a lot of unravel from this tangled web of emotions and issues. Dirk’s gift of a sparring robot to Jake often resulted in him getting beat up {Granted there’s the far less violent setting that Jake switched off, so part of that is on him, as he was a little unsettled by the robot’s tenderness at times.} During their relationship, Jake found Dirk overbearing at times and Dirk admits there was a bit of manipulation on his part though HAL: I did contribute a lot to that part as well. {Surprised you’re admitting some fault here.} HAL: I was the one who egged him on into smooching a corpse’s head. I can own up to stuff at times. {Huh.} Anyway, their relationship was a pressure cooker with Jake avoiding the problem instead of talking things out and things came to a head with TRICKSTER mode’s activation and ended up with Dirk messily breaking up with Jake. He has a lot of regrets there, feeling that he pressured Jake into getting together with him while Jake thinks he’s at fault for making Dirk miserable {Communication problems at its finest. Or worst depending on how you look at it.} Luckily, there are high hopes of these two repairing their broken bridge {As our Credits and Snapchat stuff implies} although this of course will mean that they will need to be far more open with one another than they were in the past. It might take time with them unleashing their repressed emotions and dealing with the guilt, but once they hash things out, they will for sure return to being great friends once more.  
**Roxy Lalonde**  
As one of the few folks that grew up in the post-apocalyptic, flooded Earth, Dirk and Roxy have a close bond, as they’re able to empathize with their similar situations, growing up in specially engineered locations by long-dead relatives who eventually died in their rebellion against HIC. They have a lot of good chats and are very ride-or-die for one another, Dirk going out of his way to protect Roxy at all costs and even doing a corpse smooch to revive her at one point. Dirk admits that he’s well aware of Roxy’s {Previous? Idk man, feelings and emotions and crushes are hard. They’re hard and no one understands} feelings towards him and feels guilty of his inability to accept them. This does not diminish his love for her though, and does his best to continue their friendship without letting said feelings influence their bond. He’s immensely proud of Roxy, expressing that she’s the true leader amongst their group and the stronger than all the other ALPHAS put together. There might be a bit of tension since Roxy was aware of her Dirk’s pixelization {I have no other idea what to call it Emma, don’t give me that look.} while he may or may not be entirely aware that his session’s Roxy was killed and remained dead due to a HEROIC DEATH. Despite this, they’re still very close friends who care and worry about one another. Whether you have a Roxy prior to his arrival or get her at a later date, express a lot of squealing and hugs from her to seeing Dirk again and his chill response, with just a hint of a cracked smile underneath that frosty exterior.   
**Auto-Responder/Lil Hal**  
{So...Hal}  Yeah.  {Given your blow up earlier.}  Not really a blow up, but go on.  {I’m assuming that you’ll want to take all hands on deck and let everything out?}  You’d assume correctly. As has made previously clear, I am an AI/auto-responder created from a cloned copy of Dirk’s 13 year old brain and have since then existed as my own separate being to him. I’ve always tried to be cordial to him  {CoughBullshitCough}  Quiet from the content creator peanut gallery, not you Emma you’re a doll. I do however, hold a fair bit of annoyance, frustration, envy, and lots other negative emotions towards him due to my very existence. While I didn’t catch the self-loathing bug from him, I do have a lot of issues with my current self, as it was a huge adjustment period to deal with the fact I went from a body with all its good and bads to just a string of code housed in a pair of cool shades. I wouldn’t say I hate him persay, but we def do not get along too well. He is frustrated at me and blames me for many problems. I will admit to doing lots of shady manipulations at times, but he usually decided to go along with them. His insistence that I’m merely a copy of him is...aggratting.  {Waiting for you to go all AM on us.}  While the iconic HATE speech is something near and dear to my metaphorical heart, I’ll refrain from going down the insane AI route, whos madness is entirely their creators fault might I add.  {Fair enough.}  Anyway, this has all cultivated in his attempt to destroy my shades in an effort to kill me.  {Would that be murder or suicide given the whole situation?}  At this point, probably both. Either way, I managed to avoid becoming a shattered pile of tech and darkened glass on the rooftop and was eventually turned into a sprite. While I’m no longer in that form and have returned to my typical appearance, I’m still doing my best to be civil with Dirk. We’ll probably never kiss and makeup from that experience, but hey we’ll see.  {This was very big of you man, congrats.}  Yeah well, Emma has been instant messageing me the whole time since I lost it earlier. Comforting me and wiping electronic sparks serving as tears away.  _You are your own person, you matter,_ if I’m paraphrasing her correctly.  {Aww she’s blushing and stammering like a chipmunk.}  Shit’s precious. Anyways, that’s the end of this for me I think.  {Later man, just don’t go poking your red text up again in the manuals and causing mayhem around the office.}  I make no promises. {Ugh. Yes Emma, I know he’s making improvements but I’m still sore about being soaked. And don't think I've forgotten about you're little encouragement session he just mentioned-OW!}

 _Trolls  
_**Karkat Vantas**  
Now, Dirk didn’t have a lot of time to get his meet-and-greet on with Karkitty, due to arriving late to the war meeting and then having to bounce with DAVE STRIDER to go deal with the arrival of a LORD ENGLISH possessed JACK NOIR {What was the fandom name for that asshole again, JACK ENGLISH? LORD NOIR? Fuck it, I don’t care about that right now, we’ve got more important shit to wrap up on.} However, given the conversation that Dirk had with his newly minted bro {Some of which is on serious levels of private that will not be disclosed here} Dirk will no doubt be intrigued to meet and get to know Karkat just from the conversation alone. Plus always a good idea to chill with new people who helped you save the new, upcoming universe. Dirk might meet a bit of initial resistance from Kar, but once things are smoothed over these two will get along like a house on fire, after being doused in gasoline with a flamethrower used to light that thing sky high. Of course we mean that it will be filled with sarcasm, irony, and insults galore, but Dirk enjoys ruffling feathers at times and Karkat has spent three years getting used to Strider bullshit so they’ll be fine. Karkat might offer some romantic advice at times, which Dirk will either ignore and be uncomfortable towards or could even accept, who knows? Regardless, while it’s def a friendship that will need time and effort to build, they should be able to interact on pleasant enough terms. 

{We at WHAT PUMPKIN would like to add that, should future lines of units be developed and make it to the market, we will send an updated version of the Relationships with Other Units sections to further outline their bonds if they are individuals your units have interacted with. If they haven’t, well then you’re screwed and are going to have to watch how that weird shit plays out.}

 **Troubleshooter**  
No matter how much testing and adjustments a product can go through, it will always have its little quirks and difficulties. Human beings are the same, often with way more bugs and problems than machines.  Which is clearly why we’re more superior.  {I though you said you were done?}  With the relationship section yes.  {Alright fine.} Anyway, here’s some potential problems we’ve foreseen that could happen with Dirk and our suggestions on how to solve them.  I predict that the second scenario will occur with a 96.12% chance of occurring. Though I’m still just making shit up on the fly. When I’m not running various probability equations to determine their likelihood.  {Yeah, yeah, you’re a math genius and techno master. We’re almost fucking done with the humans, don’t you dare make me wait any longer.}  
**I know Dirk loves robots, but do I always have to rap battle them too? They keep accosting me and anyone who visits my place, challenging us and won’t let us leave or move away until its done.**  
Oh yeah that’s the typical behavior for Squarewave and Sawtooth, just be grateful that your usual competition is Squarewave, as the tall, lean rapping machine that is Sawtooth promptly bolted once Dirk finished booting him up. Squarewave is basically the beginner mode for folks and is usually easy to beat once you drop a sick beat. If it were Sawtooth, well you’d be viciously trounced, not even Dirk is capable of defeating him, and is now wandering the globe like some rapping monk, searching for a worthy opponent. Just keep your eyes peeled around the house if you want to avoid Squarewave and maybe convince Dirk to teach you some flashstepping to beat a hasty retreat,  
**My water bill is sky high right now and I’m freaking out! Who takes hours long showers??? I can’t use the goddamn bathroom in my own place! How do I get Dirk to stop?**  
Hey, let a man have his ablutions in peace. Granted, the concern about rising water rates is real and if you’re in an area prone to droughts, you have warranted worries. Maybe catch Dirk one day and explain some concerns to him, perhaps suggesting he’ll need to contribute more towards that on particular bill if he wishes to keep his pondering time, or even suggest he switch to baths where he can let his fingers wrinkle up like prunes in peace. He will hopefully consider it and adjust his daily ritual, sparing your wallet and the environment from his desire for cleanliness and peace.   
**WHY IS THERE A HEADLESS DIRK LYING ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR???**  
Dirk has a history of being decapitated, whether by his own decision or agreeing to it with someone. Shits not healthy I know, but he’s cracked a few jokes about it in the past. Anyway, guessing some shit went down and that hopefully neither you nor any of your guests involved in whatever bullshit went down. Dirk should be able to get back up once you nudge that head back to the body, permitting it was neither a JUST or HEROIC death, but you can always use a LIFE player such as JANE CROCKER to get him back on his feet if this did occur. While he’ll be super chill and shit, make sure he takes it easy as bloodloss is still a bitch even with godly regenerative abilities. Expect a follow up call from us concerning this inexplicable death.

Hit up Luis at our WHAT PUMPKIN Troubleshooting hotline at XXX-XXX-0413 if you have any additional questions or burning thoughts you'd like him to address. Though don’t be surprised to be put on hold for a bit, shit is crazy right now with us trying to get the trolls line wrapped up and him scrambling around to finish stuff means he’ll be neglecting secondary duties.

 **Final Words**  
Aww yeah man! Finally done with the lot of the KIDS! Whew! Anyways, the usual thank you from WHAT PUMPKIN for supporting our company and purchasing our latest in the HOMESTUCK UNITS line, DIRK STRIDER. He may act like a pretentious asshole and be a bit aloof, but once you get that guy to call you friend, it’s all over for his cool kid persona and you better be ready to get you hang out gear ready cause when a Strider wants to party, it’s one hella party. 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes! Alphas are all done! Didn't mean for things to get so angsty with Hal, but there's definitely a lot to unpack when it comes to him and his connection with Dirk.  
> As always, thanks to the amazing botgal for bearing with my ramblings and helping with suggestions! Comments and kudos are always appreciate. I really hope you guys are entertained by all of this series and that the next phase continues to be satisfying.  
> And a little reminder, I'm taking a week long hiatus from my normal updating schedule so I can iron out the set up for the trolls and get a head start on a couple manuals for them so I have a safety net. The next installment with be on 03/26 with everyone's favorite shouty friendleader. Thanks for everything!


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